Paranormal Romance Reading Update #1: Temperamental Dragons, Copyright Law Loopholes, Demonic Crime Procedurals, and my First DNF of the Challenge!

What do you mean, it's late May? Last time I checked, we were zipping through Winter at an alarming pace. Don't tell me we're nearly done with Spring, too? 

Yes, yes, the earth is finally waking up, my garden is showing distinct signs of not-dying, and I'm reminded of the fact that the sun exists every morning only a few hours after I've actually managed to go to sleep. 

Just this morning, I realized that in a little over a month, I'd be called upon to be a part of the first family camping trip of the season, and spent a good twenty minutes over breakfast daydreaming about being a private chef in the Hamptons instead, and whether it would be possible to give my own kitchen a much-needed Nancy Meyers makeover, rather than spend so many days in a tent. 

But all of this activity hasn't exactly manifested itself here. And you might be wondering when I was going to start delivering on promises made at the start of the year.

I'm talking, of course, of the 2023 Big Box of Paranormal Romance. 

For those not in the know, back in 2020, my younger brother gifted me a giant box of 20 backlisted Paranormal Romance paperbacks for Christmas. I spent 2021 reading through as many as I could, to varying degrees of success, and the final favorite of the challenge ended up going right back to my brother to read, too.

(He loved it. We reference Judson and his affinity for "guns over psychic ability" often. Including a Paranormal Romance between a psychic investigator and a psychic counselor that was published in 2013 in regular conversation, is fairly par for the course in a family that routinely references Muppet Treasure Island, "Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf," and a Danny Kaye medieval comedy from 1955 as often as we do.) 

But fret not, friends: this year's challenge is still alive and well. It's just that this particular box is a very different beast than its predecessor. I think I'm going to have to stop asking my brother to pick out my next upcoming titles for me, because he somehow manages, from several hours' worth of a drive away, to maintain a laser focus on making me read all of the dragon shifter books first. 

So far, in the last five months or so, I've managed to tackle four of the books, three of which I finished and did NOT give 1-star reviews - which, if you followed the last (incredibly problematic) iteration of this challenge, is an absolute miracle - and only one of which I DNF'd (because it was boring, not because it was racist, homophobic, or worse. Again, a very different box than last time). 

Without any further ado, here's what I thought of them: 

What a Dragon Should Know (Dragon Kin #3), G. A. Aiken

"'We have a problem.'

Briec glanced up from the book he was reading and into the face of Brastias, general of Annwyl's armies, and one of the few human males Briec could tolerate. 

Closing his book, he asked, 'What did Gwenvael do now? Do I need to contact my mother? Are we already in war, or is it simply heading our way?'

Brastias, whose scarred face looked grim at the best of times, smiled. 'Anytime I start a conversation that way, all of you ask me the same questions.'

'My brother starts trouble the way horses shit when they walk. And we all know that.'" 

Okay. So. My first title in the challenge, read all the way back in January, and I did not enjoy this book. But I did get through it! And unlike the first title in the last challenge, it did not use the n-word anywhere in its contents, so. Let's take the wins as they come, small though they may be? 

My main issue is that this book employs a sense of faux feminism that is clarified by its 2008 publication date, in a sort of "bikini chainmail" way: if the female characters are loosely implied to be badasses, then they may freely be oversexualized, overemotional, and as oversimplified as necessary. 

(To the point: in the first chapter or so, we are introduced to a battle queen - whose character hallmark is a love of learning, accompanied by a hulk-like war rage that renders her unstoppable in combat - by her bursting into tears at being called fat. She then cries a second time after she gets a half-hearted apology for being called fat. Then gets all giggly when the same person who called her fat compliments her chest size and pretends to peek down her shirt. The person in question is the main romantic Hero of the novel.) 

Women are either prized like cattle in the Northlands, or fair game for abuse down below in the dragon-primed Southlands. At various odds, women are routinely called whores, overprotected - to the point of allowing for regular violence towards their chosen romantic partners, excused by way of "brotherly respect" - and either yelled at or spoken down to, in turns. 

I get the impression the author might not like women a ton, or at the very least, women who weren't of a certain sarcastic, all-suffering, moderately-prone-to-violence type. The vibe was very Disney-Princess-wearing-thick-rimmed-glasses-and-sporting-tattoos thing, if you clearly remember the year 2014. 

Other problematic elements also skeeved me off, including the main romantic couple's predilection for nonconsensual voyeurism, and something that I'm pretty sure was just the communicated threat of homosexuality as a kind of mental warfare. And a ton of gratuitous violence. 

That being said, parts of it were kind of funny. Hence, two-and-a-half stars. 

Bustin', Minda Webber

"The monster ripped off his boxers, sporting a Doric column so big that Sam thought she was seeing things. Now she understood the expression 'hung like an ox,' and Nero wasn't even a minotaur!

'Talk about cock of the walk,' she muttered to herself. No way was that getting anywhere near her. Still, what was a girl to do? She despaired momentarily, caught between the moon, New York City, a werewolf, and a giant gorgon penis." 

At 323 scant pages, this should have been an easy read. But because it was so jam-packed with random pop culture references - especially in regards to Humphrey Bogart's canon of work - I spent as much time googling obscure phrases and movie titles as I did actually paying attention to the plot. 

Distracting though it was, I can honestly say the book would have been significantly more boring without them. 

THAT being said, ignoring this book's quirky delivery makes some structural issues all the more glaring: while the front half is fairly sedate - but spookily-occupied - generic Romance, the second is an about-face, completing changing both setting and theme towards more of a Mystery angle. 

The characters were equally strange. The Heroine spoke in the model of a fast-talkin', Pan-Atlantic moll from Hollywood's Golden Age... and came equipped with some severely anti-Communist sentiments to share, relatively unprompted. The Hero - a gruff Russian, one gold chain short of straightforward stereotype - plays the lover with equal parts malice and apathy, and enacts a revenge plan so jaw-clenchingly awful that its absolutely shocking that the only thing to come out of it is a substandard apology (couched within phrasing that suggests it as the most low kind of ego-sacrifice, and therefore the Heroine's obligation to accept). 

There's a third act reveal that feels like it counteracts other previous sections of the book. There's a movie-referencing final scene involving a piano that wouldn't make nearly as much sense for someone who hasn't a solid understanding of Casablanca. For some reason, the Heroine just cannot shut up about how she always wanted to be a hairdresser. 

At the end of it all, it's almost impossible to parse out what feels strange because it's a pop culture reference, and what feels strange because it's just a bizarre narrative choice. 

But we all know how I feel about making weird narrative choices in these kinds of books. Three stars. 

Never Dare a Dragon (Boston Dragons #3), Ashlyn Chase

DNF @ 17%

"Ryan was actually the oldest - until he'd met with a near-fatal accident at the age of seven. Jayce had been only five, but after witnessing the family secret in action that day, the image was burned into his brain. Literally. Mommy and Daddy quickly explained what was going to happen and dumped lighter fluid on his big brother - then lit him up. Ryan didn't yell or scream. He just sort of went to sleep, and they watched until there was nothing but a pile of ash left. Then the ashes stirred... and the brilliant phoenix arose." 

If you're confused as to why the title references a dragon, while the blurb I chose features a phoenix family, then let me clear some things up for you: there are both. When a Boston firefighting phoenix shifter hits it off with a NYC firefighting dragon shifter, you've got a lot of promises about "heat" and "sparks flying," to live up to... but unfortunately this, for me, suffered from a lack of both character and romantic development. 

Our Hero, Jayce Fierro - eye roll - is bad at communicating emotions, and an awkward mix between obliviously snarky and 2023 levels of chivalric. There's nothing about him that feels believable or human - in a "not an invention" kind of way, rather than a "not a mythological creature" kind of way - like he was constructed from spare parts of a personality that didn't mesh together that well upon application.

Our Heroine, Kristine Scott, lives alone with her single mom, and the two of them are the only ones who know their dragon-shifting secret... so to speak, as within the first 15% of the novel, someone is already using this information against her. She's postured to be relatable and current by the fact that she does things like wear "satin granny panties" on a date, and focus on putting her career first; upon being asked by a work colleague if her erratic emotional behavior is due to getting her period, she screams "You are never, ever, ever allowed to ask a woman that - ever!" while exiting from a parking garage "with more speed than was prudent." 

The Romance part bugged me because they were practically ready to jump each other from their first interaction, which didn't even go well for either of them. Despite this, Jayce decides to travel to New York with what is, essentially, the expressed intention of meeting her again. By the time the two make it on an actual date, both are considering how a real relationship would manage to work itself out, being that they live in two different cities, and would have to manage things long distance. Plus any actual sex scenes that may occur seemed to solely be resolved by way of fade-to-black, which makes the cover's promise of "sizzling heat" feel especially misplaced. And again, this is all within the first 17% of the novel.

Plus, with this kind of narrative subtlety in mind, of course, you knew that once a character who speaks with a pronounced Scottish accent was introduced, she'd turn out to be a leprechaun (I ended up skipping ahead to verify). 

I tried to get into this over the course of weeks - weeks! - to the point where it sent me into a mini-reading slump. 

Dream Chaser (Dark Hunter #13, Dream Hunter #3), Sherrilyn Kenyon

"Of course he was... why should anything in the world make sense? Dear lord, it wasn't like she wasn't sitting beside one of the hottest men on the planet who was a god himself. Or that she had a goofy teenage ghost in her backseat mouthing the words to Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." 

It only made sense that the hottie in the Classics department was a demigod, too..." 

I had been suffering through that dragon book for WEEKS before I decided to just try a little bit of a different tactic, and picked up this title instead. I ended up devouring it completely in less than 24 hours. 

That being said... she's still not great. In fact, I think that the three star rating I'm willing to afford to her is more than generous, and just as reflective of how happy I was to be done with another one of these as it is a commentary on the novel itself. 

I think my primary problems stem from the fact that it is just so completely of its publication year: 2008. Its general format reminds me of any number of crime procedurals, its treatment of the supernatural feels like a bad Syfy movie of my childhood, its humor feels like that kind of snarky-without-bite variety that was so ubiquitous to both genres, personified in the kinds of characters the Internet was obsessed with when I was in middle school... and displaying similar kinds of banter to the ones people tried so hard to emulate, but failed to do so with the same panache. If that wasn't enough for you, how about some more direct references to of-the-time cultural touchstones: Happy Bunny, Hannah Montana, and the Reese Witherspoon movie Just Like Heaven all got a mention. 

There was force-choking, questionable use of mythology as a point of worldbuilding, even worse dialogue, and truly horrendous sex scenes which were (thankfully) over quickly. You could have told me that this author was an expert in Supernatural fan fiction, and I would have believed you. 

My primary points of applause include having female character who actually served as dimensional figures in the context of plot, and the use of diversity in world-building, being that the book itself takes place in New Orleans. Three stars.

(I know this feels like an uneven review, and I acknowledge that I spend a lot of time calling out how goofy this book is. But to be honest, that's where most of my joy in this challenge comes from: after all, my end favorite of the last Big Box of Paranormal Romance challenge was selected because of how bonkers wild it was, too. I don't think Dream Chaser will be my final fave, but I do think it has more in common than not with what I enjoy so much about this project.)

So, those are the first four books I read in the challenge for this year. A meager showing, right? Pretty dismal to only have three titles completed, and one DNF, for all that it's nearly the end of the fifth month in the challenge? I agree.

Plus, with the onset of June just around the corner - heralding the triumphant return of Summer Book Bingo from Seattle Arts and Lectures and Seattle Public Libraries, as well as the Ripped Bodice Romance Book Bingo (careful, these links are both for 2022) - my mind is most likely going to be taken over by other tomes to-be-read, for challenges outside of this one. 

This all feels, of course, like the odds are stacked against this particular personal challenge of mine. But don't fret: being aware of your limitations is the best indication that you'll be able to overcome them. What I mean by that is, I keep stubbing my toe on the giant cardboard box every time I fuss around with my TBR shelves, and every book I take out of it makes the pain a little less. 

I really am planning on making Summer 2023 one slam-jammed with reading, honest. And besides, I personally maintain the second best time of year to read Paranormal is in the sunny months, when the things-that-go-bump-in-the-night feel like more of a novelty. 

Keep a weather eye on the horizon for further deets on my Summer reading plans. For now, though, rest assured that I'm currently suffering through a BDSM-lite Harlequin Romance between a vampire princess and a dragon shifter, and thinking of you fondly. 

Have you read any especially good Romance lately? How about especially bad Romance? Don't tell me there are dragons in it. Let me know, in the comments below!

Closing Up the Box: My Final Paranormal Romance Reading Update of 2021

After a year like 2020, you'd think I'd want a little respite from doom, gloom, and forces beyond human control. However, when my brother surprised me with a box of 20 backlist Paranormal Romance titles for Christmas in December 2020, it quickly became clear that 2021 was going to be filled with much of the same, only in a mass market paperback format. 

Was anyone forcing me to read all 20 in one year? Of course not. But did I pretty much immediately decide I was going to do it anyways? Oh yeah. I researched each on Goodreads, compiled a preliminary ranking of which titles I thought were going to come out on top, and strapped in for a year of attempting to cram as many of these questionable titles into my regular reading schedule as possible. 

While I didn't make it through all 20, I did try my hand at 17, and came back with results that were... mixed. Things that had compelling plot summaries and high ratings turned out to be flops, while those that came jam-packed with bananas narrative twists and head-scratching character choices ended up as my personal favorites. But even bad Romance makes for more than just an incredible Lady Gaga song. It also results in some of the funniest reviews I think I've ever written. 

But now the year is over (and we're already a month and a half into the next one). So let's wrap this challenge up for good, shall we? 

For starters, make sure you've read the previous posts first:

"My Brother Bought Me $25 Worth of Paranormal Romance" : Preliminary research and ranking

"Racist Vampires, Alien Drama, and Psychic Crystal House Explosions" : Midnight Lover, Dream Eyes, and How to Lose an Extraterrestrial in 10 Days

"Celtic Rockstars, Vampiric Chosen-Ones, and Deeply Un-sexy Succubi" : Immortals: The Crossing, Touch the Dark, and My Fair Succubi

"A Summer Fling with Psychics, Werewolves, and Lots of Uncomfortable Staring" : Out of Mind, Dangerous Tides, Master of Wolves, Nico, and The Portal 

Back in January 2021, I went into this challenge with a couple of different perspectives as to how things could possibly go. On one hand, I was very aware that these were backlist titles, the furthest of which reached all the way back into the '90s and early '00s. On the other hand, you never know where your next favorite read is going to come from. I went in with tepid amounts of hope, and an overabundance of enthusiasm. 

Here's what I expected: 

• A lot of vampires. Maybe a few werewolves and ghost boyfriends thrown in for good measure, but primarily, my lens was skewing heavily in the creatures-of-the-night direction. I kind of figured it based on the impulses generated from my middle school years of desperately seeking out Amelia Atwater Rhodes and R. L. Stine novels in the teens section, not even counting the rocket success of the Twilight saga in my teenage years. In my mind, Paranormal fiction will always come wearing a cape and fangs... or at least it did, at the beginning of this adventure. 
• Kind of stereotypical or trope-heavy portrayals, things that relied heavily on conventional monster depictions and romance-novel favorites. Listen: I've only been reading hardcore romance for a couple of years now, and those kinds of preconceptions about the genre are really hard to shake... especially because, in some ways, a lot of them are true. So my expectations of the Box were that I'd find a lot of softball writers in here, kind of like trawling the boundaries of Fan Fiction, with reading expectations being met as to genre and characters off the gate, so that they could focus more on developing the Romance elements of it. Obviously, I could not have been more wrong. 

By the end of February 2021, I had finished my first couple of titles, and man was I... confused. To be fair, one of the three ended up not only being a generally positive experience, but a full-out five-star read, as well as the resulting favorite book out of the entire mix! The other two, however, were a one-star for reasons that genuinely left me angry, and a DNF, based on the sheer general inability to balance extremely heavy subject matter with increasingly frustrating lighthearted Romance content. 

As the reads went on and I started to get more of a hang for the process of completing them, I still managed to be surprised by what I was picking up: 

• For starters, the foibles I was experiencing that kept tripping me up when reading had more to do with being older Romance novels in general, rather than being bad Paranormal Romance novels in particular. Sure, racism, sexism, violence, lack of diversity and representation... all of the heavy hitters were present. But these aren't specific to the genre, but instead, things that are more in keeping with books that were published before seemingly obvious designations of "how people like to be treated" had been established in the public mindset. On the flip side, the more recently published content was much more diligent about that sort of thing, which is something very in keeping with today's Romance market. 
• That being said, there were more recent books included in the box than I would have expected... to a point. Like I said, '90s and '00s Romance abounded, but there were also plenty from the later half of the '00s, too, as well as into even the late '10s. I really was able to appreciate the scope of the content, especially when connected to the variety I was experiencing in subgenre and plot contrivances, too. 

FINAL STATS

Books Read Cover-to-Cover: 8! 

Star Count:

1 star: 3

2 star: 3

3 star: none

4 star: 1 - Dangerous Tides

5 star: 1 - Dream Eyes 

Books DNF'd: 9

Shortest DNF:10.75% - Pg 40 of 372 (The Summoning)

Longest DNF: 45.57% - Pg 194 out of 294 (Master of Wolves)

Books Not Attempted: 3

After a while, reading so many similarly-shaped and somewhat interchangeable books made for some surprising trend recognition, and notable questions answered about the genre itself. Remember, I'm new-ish to Romance, so stepping full-out into the Paranormal category was a pretty significant experience for me. 

As a new entry into the field, here's some of what I noticed, within this particularly narrow sample size: 

• There were a LOT more psychics than I would have anticipated! Remember when I said I was banking on vampires? As it turns out, from this limited pool, I found a lot less than I had originally planned for, which was both good and bad... on one hand, it kept me from getting burnt out on one kind of read too hard, but on the other, by the end of the year, I was actually really wishing I could have sunk my teeth into a more recognizable story format. 
• And also aliens?? If there was anything else I should have anticipated, it was for things to venture a little beyond the lines of what my typical designations of "Paranormal" are. For instance, in any other form of fiction, I would have assumed Aliens automatically meant SciFi. However, within the Romance genre, Paranormal seems to kind of serve as a general catch-all for other forms of Genre fiction, like SF and Fantasy, too. 
• Plenty of stories featured inter-dimensional travel, and were not restricted to the earthly plane... in fact, a lot of these books had some form of tie to another plane of existence, be it distant planets, or depictions of Heaven and Hell. Occasionally, it was pretty fun: I can gladly get on board with a Fae realm, or a Demonic plane. It was just went things went a little too far around the bend - with multiple interactive groups occupying different dimensions of existence, or versions of religious levels strained past credulity - that I started to lose the plot. 
• In terms of relationship dynamics, it was pretty much exclusively alpha male heroes, with varying degrees of self-motivation from the heroines... and involving very strange relationship dynamics that I cannot imagine being suffered with much patience here on Earth. Again, maybe this is owed more to the time periods being published, but man. Get a grip on yourselves, heroes, instead of maintaining such a hard grip on the arms of your heroines. 

And yeah, honestly, some of the stuff I saw was pretty disappointing. After all, you've seen the stats, and after a while, you know what kinds of faith I had in the books I was reading (which is honestly probably why I got burnt out on the challenge shortly after the end of summer, despite still having plenty of potential months left of reading in front of me). 

But this isn't even just about the questionable content, but also, the writing direction. SO many books with over-exposition, or an overabundance of plot detail attempting to cover up threadbare and inconsequential characterizations. Powers that were quickly learned and abandoned, depending on the necessity of the scene, and dialogue that barely followed any form of coherent sense. Can you really blame me for wishing for something greater?

This also helped really cement the perspectives I had on things I did like. I DID like a few of these books, after all... and the reasons I appreciated them ended up having quite a few elements in common. Here's what I wish I saw from more of the books I read:

• I mean, besides less racism, sexism, and violence, and more diversity and representation? Because honestly, that was a real big one. Thankfully, the current trends in Romance publishing seem to veer more in this direction, but it certainly makes me more nervous to try out backlist titles. 
• Larger casts of characters, with separate and recognizable personalities: in truth, three of the books I ended up mostly enjoying, Dangerous Tides, Dream Eyes, and Out of Mind, all fit this bill! Big ol' magical families, with every kid possessing new and exciting powers, all coming complete with their own matching romantic counterpart... I mean, it makes more sense, from a publishing perspective, to handle it this way, so why not try harder to build a cohesive, fascinating cast?
• Leaning into exploring previously-known powers, rather than focusing on a novice learning a new skill set. At the beginning of this challenge, I remember actually being pretty stoked that so many of the titles were among the first in their series, because I thought that would help me identify more of a feel for what kinds of story they were. But all told, that didn't necessarily make for compelling content: I could have just as easily jumped into the ride while the engine was already running, and not missed much. 
• Less religion, honestly. I wonder if this is more of a time-period-of-publishing thing, or if its more of a genre issue, but there was A LOT of angels-and-demons content, in some ways that were slightly more sacrilegious than others. Don't get me wrong, I can handle, but honestly? My Fair Succubi was definitely pushing it past my limit... and Servant: the Acceptance was a little too Old Testament in its depictions of violence for my tastes. Neither of these - nor Minion, either, which faces off God-blessed vamp hunters against two different levels of bloodsuckers - are reads I would have ever picked out on my own dime. 

THE FINAL RANKING

(Minor point of clarification: switch The Portal and The Empath... no idea how I mixed those two covers up, but they should be flip-flopped, so that the relatively boring and unoffensive werewolfy Empath is in the topmost row, while the high-key racist-towards-Native-Americans Portal is in the second row, next to uses-the-n-word-with-so-little-rationalization Midnight Lover. There's also some debate raging in my head as to whether bad-cop-portraying Master of Wolves belongs so high in this list in comparison to weirdly-religious Servant and high-key homophobic Minion, but I'm keeping it where it stands for now.)

But now this is finally a chapter I can close! Believe it or not, but beyond one single Sarah MacLean book, these were the only Romances I read in the entirety of 2021, and by the end of things, I was really missing out on my Historical and Contemporary faves. Still, I was glad to have partaken in the self-inflicted challenge. 

Here's what I took away from the experience: 

• Again, I read two books I really, really liked! Dangerous Tides is one that I now actively search for on Romance shelves, in the hopes of finding out more about these incredibly gifted sisters and their unique counterparts, while Dream Eyes is definitely going to maintain a home among my shelves, for any future date when I might need to turn my brain back to a slightly-more-willing-to-participate-in-shenanigans mode. 
• I deep-read a genre I haven't ever had cause to interact with before. Like I said, still new-ish to Romance, and haven't had much luck with Paranormal since high school. Diving back into the deep end, with both feet first, made for an interesting reacclimation, real fast. 
• I had a project... and I LOVE a good project. Truly, I am nothing if I don't have something fun - like an embroidery project, or a cookbook deep dive - to focus on in those quiet moments between actual daily tasks. This not only made for plenty of self-motivated fun, but also made me into a truly formidable point of conversation at parties (After a few meetings with friends began with a "You'll never guess what I'm reading right now," the tide started to turn towards them asking me "So what's going on in the latest novel?"). 
• I posted a good handful of blogposts that I wouldn't have written otherwise. And I know for a fact, based on the reactions of my friends who follow me on Goodreads, that the reviews were appreciated, too! I maintain that negative reviews are more fun to read - and honestly, write - and this entire process was an experience in that arena alone. 
• Now my brother has to read the Dealer's Choice. At the very top of the Challenge, my brother actually even floated the idea that whatever ended up being my favorite of the whole messy bunch, he'd voluntarily pick up, too. As of two days ago, he's deep into the middle of Dream Eyes, and from what I can tell, loving every second of it. Maybe I can convince him to write a review, too? 

What do you think... should my kid brother write his own Romance review, too? Are you going to miss this Challenge? Let me know, in the comments below!

Big Box of Paranormal Romance, Part Three: A Summer Fling with Psychics, Werewolves, and a lot of Uncomfortable Staring

This summer, I did a lot of things. Like going camping for four weekends throughout the season - something you heard a lot about here - and spending a week and a half at the end of August in Central Oregon, in one of my favorite places in the whole world (something you did not hear about even a little bit). My family made a triumphant return visit to Ren Faire after not being able to attend through the pandemic, I said goodbye to my sister and her longtime girlfriend as they moved to California, and I packed my little brother off and away to his sophomore year of college... and that was all just in August, too. 

I orchestrated what ended up being a complete college-style course, full of weekly fifty-plus slide Powerpoint decks, grocery lists, and daily kitchen exercises, across ten full weeks, in order to teach my apartment-headed brother how to cook for the first time on his own. 

I bought, approximately, a hundred books (Really more like twenty-something, but after a certain threshold, it doesn't really matter. Besides, fifteen of those - eleven from thrift stores, four from Barnes and Noble - were bought over the course of one day, for my bloggoversary, so all told, it was a lot). 

I failed miserably at the Seattle Public Library Book Bingo for the second year in a row (Perhaps I should have spent more time reading books, and less time buying more of them?). 

But also importantly, I read - or at least tried to read - five more novels from my Big Box o' Paranormal Romance. And let me tell you, that was no short order either. That's exactly what I want to tell you about today.

PROLOGUE  //  PART ONE  //  PART TWO

Strap in, people. This is going to be a bumpy ride. 

june

#7. Out of Mind (Court of Angels #2), Stella Cameron

Two stars.

Summary: The products of two of the most powerful psychic families in New Orleans, Willow and Benedict broke up years ago, for reasons Ben never quite understood. He dedicated his time to developing his gifts and and the family businesses alongside his siblings, while Willow has spent the last few years pretending he, her powers, and the legacies of their families don't exist at all, instead choosing to start a boutique concierge service that caters to Nola's elite. However, when her wealthy clients make a habit of turning up dead, she is forced to contend with the undercover world she's done her best to remove herself from... and finding a way to stop the evil that's coming to claim her, might just mean seeking haven in Ben. But is it better to hold him at arm's length, and stay safe, or embrace the magic, and risk getting hurt again? 

Quote:

"She was no fool, and she'd spent enough time around families like theirs to know she'd been snaffled, and who she'd been snaffled by." 

All in all, I'll say that it was different. Unique, kooky, surprising. And at no point was anyone ever referred to in a racially / sexist / etc.- charged, derogatory manner (which I cannot say for other Paranormal Romance I've read this year). And while there are some depictions of personal assault (something which served absolutely zero narrative purpose, and was kind of brushed off), it was substantially less than what else I've seen elsewhere, as well. So in comparison to some of the other stuff I've been reading recently, it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, it also wasn't too good. 

There were some fun things to comment on. There were loads of bizarre character names - like Bucky Fist, Dr. Blades, and Rock U. - and the main baddies can can be best summarized as "Evil Psychic Animorphs," changing into various alien-ified magical beings that look like a bearded vulture, giant lobster, and a bat. 

However, I didn't have that good of a time. The plot was both linear, and bizarrely paced. Only the sheerest scrap of psuedo-plot held the two main characters apart from each other (and was reframed about fifty pages from the end to lend sympathy towards a completely separate character, who would go on to be another protagonist later on in the continued series). As the sequel itself in line in said series, it felt like a constant battle to parse out who characters were, let alone how they could possibly be connected to each other. The resolution felt expected and boring, which is really saying something, because it came at the tail-end of a masquerade-themed wake for a wealthy murder victim, as well as a three-way battle with a bunch of psy-powered shapeshifters.

And let's be real, I didn't like the characters. I didn't like the plot. If anything, one of the only things I liked was the writing style, bizarrely piecemeal and abstract and STRANGE. Lots of choices were made in this book, but at the very least, at least those choices didn't include some of the other severely questionable behavior I've seen in other Paranormal Romance.

july

#8. Dangerous Tides (Drake Sisters #4), Christine Feehan

Four stars.

Summary: Libby Drake is a little different from her sisters: the goody-two-shoes of the family, she opted for a life dedicated to the medical field and helping support others, while they travel the world, work in dangerous fields, and live large. On the other hand, they all share one important trait: they are a coven of seven witch sisters, tasked with protecting each other and their home of Sea Haven. For Libby, stepping out of the careful path she's carved for herself is a lot easier said than done... until an impulsive decision to help revive billionaire Ty Derrick, near death after a search-and-rescue accident, brings her too close for comfort under his careful inspection. For Ty, magic is something best left to fairy tales, and it's much more likely that Libby and her sisters are delusional at best, and charlatans at worst. But if accepting the otherworldly will let him get close enough to Libby to win her heart, a little adventure may be worth the prize... especially with evil stalking them both, and getting closer every day. 

Quote:

"'I know what Harry and Sam said upset you, Ty,' Libby said. 'I have no interest in your money.'"

'That doesn't make me as happy as you think it would. If you were interested in money, I'd have something to offer you.'" 

This book wasn't necessarily top-tier literature, but you know what it was? Fun. Zany. Unique. Compelling. Chock full of characters that made you want to just know what their DEAL was... even though the main characters just kind of made you want to smack them around a little bit. 

What I'm saying is, that this is a romance between a human who is both the personification of The Giving Tree, and one in a line of 7 accomplished, loving witch sisters, as well as a man who can best be described as "Sexy Billionaire Sheldon Cooper," who makes up for his numerous personality defects by being both 1. a rescue helicopter volunteer for the forestry service, and 2. a scientist trying to find a cure for leukemia. That's right, ladies: he's basically a billionaire, firefighter and a doctor, rolled up into one infuriatingly obtuse, know-it-all package. He's also someone who repeatedly told the main character to her face that her family was shady as hell, and that no one would have ever believed them if they weren't beautiful. What a winner! 

But I loved it. And not only is it a 4-star romance, in my eyes, but it's also the second best out of the entire Big Box of 20 Paranormal Romance novels I've been reading through this year. 

The style of writing I found to be really endearing, especially when it came to dialogue, because of how completely open and without pretense all of the main characters were. How refreshing is it to read a Romance where the issue is NOT a lack of communication, but instead, in finding an avenue for two people to effectively communicate without wanting to psychoanalyze each other? Or, as the hero remarks multiple times, they should just hook up all of the witches' brains to EKG machines, and map how their brains function! (Again, a real catch, this one.)

My only qualms have to be about this extended conflict in figuring out who the big "malevolent force" is - as it's obvious from literal, LITERAL jump - and... honestly, that's it. Pacing was solid, tension crackled, stakes were high, and the action was well-plotted. Ooh! I did want to spend more time with the fiancés of the other sisters, which included a former foreign agent, and the sisters themselves, who included the likes of a mystery author and an international pop singer.... then again, maybe that's a good reason to pick up the other books in the series, right? 

(Notable: this is not an idea I've floated for literally any other Romance I've read from the box so far.)

#9. Master of Wolves (Mageverse #3), Angela Knight 

DNF on 128 out of 310.

Summary: Jim London still can't believe his best friend, Tony, is dead. In fact, he's so sure that foul play was what ended the fellow werewolf's life, that he goes undercover in the very police force he believes responsible... but it's not like you can fake cop credentials that easily. Instead, he uses his shifting powers to become the newest recruited member of the K-9 unit, so he can stay out of suspicion, while getting an on-the-ground eye at what, exactly, this suspicious precinct is really up to. What he wasn't accounting for was a distraction in the form of his handler, Faith, a woman hell-bent on proving herself in man's profession after a bad breakup at her former post. And what neither the very human Faith and werewolf Jim were counting on at all, was a secret society of vampire mages, planning on using this small Louisiana town to stage a coup. What will happen when Faith finds herself on the receiving end of a whole lot of magical nonsense? And what does King Arthur and Merlin have to do with any of it? 

Quote:

"For reasons no one clearly understood, when a werewolf shifted form, his clothes shifted, too. Once he resumed being human, the original clothing came back, along with whatever he happened to have in his pockets - car keys, cell phones, even guns. It was one of those direkind mysteries Tony Shay used to call PFM -- Pure Fucking Magic." 

So far, I've been having good luck with romances from this Box that take the opportunity to get a little crazy. After all, both Dream Eyes and Dangerous Tides succeeded, for me, when they swung for the fences, with large casts of characters, big reveals, and secret societies of magic users... all told, it seems like an easy-enough blueprint to follow, if you're willing to get a little wild. 

Unless, unfortunately, you're Master of Wolves, what HAD been one of my most-anticipated reads of this challenge - Number One, actually! - picked out of the box when I first received it. In that case, you get a little too crazy. 

I think the problems I had with the novel can be pretty summed up into two categories. One, I made sure to consider carefully, as it is a product of my current contemporary perspective in 2021, and was weighed on actions and dialogue pulled from only textual evidence. The second one barely required any textual evidence at all, as it simply wasn't there. 

The thing is, the main heroine is a police officer. That carries with it a certain weight in the after-effects of 2020. But the back cover material makes it very clear as to what Faith's profession is, and I still named it my most anticipated title out of the whole reading project! Unfortunately, after reading, it just doesn't make the grade. While you might disagree with my censure, and claim that it's too harsh to judge a book written in 2003 by the social perspectives of over fifteen years later, let me make this perfectly clear: she is a "bad apple" cop. And I would have thought so if I had read it in 2003, too. 

Take this scene: she attempts to coerce a character into committing a traffic violation, so she can pull them over, based purely on the fact that he looks sketchy because he was GOING THE SPEED LIMIT. When that doesn't work, she searches through her database to come up with a compelling reason to do it - as people of the legal profession "aren't creative enough" to simply allow her to arrest him on instinct - and finds that his tabs are a month expired. Bingo! Not only does she pull him over, but she threatens him with committing an unauthorized search of his car - because apparently only people with drugs to hide go the speed limit - and mocks him into giving her probable cause. When he attempts to flee, she sics her German Shepherd on him with little warning; when he tries to wrestle himself away and hits her in the melee, she crows victoriously that he's given her a good reason for her to land a punch herself, as she had been itching for a fight. 

As it turns out, he has good reason to want to get away: he brokenly cries to her, while successfully subdued by dog-Jim's intervention, that the people who get arrested in that jail have a habit of ending up dead less than a day later. She mocks him for it, as she's been working at that jail for months now, and hasn't noticed any such pattern herself... then goes on to say that he's probably been using a lot more drugs than just what she's found to think such things, and she might as well write him up for others, too. 

Needless to say, the following happens pretty damn quickly in the following chapters: his pattern is almost immediately proved true, she realizes other cops in her department are covering up the murders, and she finds the crying guy's corpse - chest cavity completely hollowed out and gaping open on the pavement - the following evening. She has the grace to feel guilty about it for LESS THAN A SCENE, and then is completely distracted by sexist interactions with the other cops. 

And she's supposed to be THE GOOD GUY. 

The second issue I had with it, in the end, was a general lack of coherency. Dream Eyes played fast and loose with its psychic mumbo-jumbo, but they always kept it on-theme, and realistic for the Universe they had created. Same with Dangerous Tides... while a family of witches who also double as / date famous people makes for a lot of plot to juggle, it's alright as long as you keep it inside a certain realm of believability. 

Master of Wolves didn't care about coherency or realism at all, and didn't make much attempt to hide it, either. It chalked up entire segments of werewolf world-building to "PFM" so often, it's like the author put exactly zero thought into developing the character's powers or culture. 

But even beyond that, the greater stakes of the larger narrative are absolutely bonkers:

Merlin - yes, THAT Merlin - is an interdimensional alien who came to earth to bestow King Arthur and Guinevere with magical powers, turning them into a superhuman vampire-mage race to protect humankind, as well as formed a secret society of werewolves, as a sort of "self destruct" button necessary to keep the Knights of the Round Table in check.  Now there's a secondary sect of evil vampires, and the werewolves have to race to stop them, without letting Arthur and the Knights know they exist. 

Also, a small town is Louisiana has a jail that's being controlled by one of said evil vampires, and a terrible cop is trying to battle it out against an entire precinct of other terrible cops to stop her. Also, they're all werewolves, too, only they're bad. 

Almost makes you forget about how terrible Faith is at her job.  

august

#10. Nico (Ruin and Revenge #1), Sarah Castile 

DNF on 38 out of 350.

Summary: Nico Toscani - a mafia boss and bastard son, held out of the line of succession after his domineering uncle inserted himself into the lineage over Nico - has a pretty good life: in charge of not only several lucrative Las Vegas enterprises, but overseer of one of the most successful casinos just off the Strip, he spends his days dedicated to his work, and plotting his return to power in the Toscani family. Mia Cordano, on the other hand, does her best to stay out of the violent entanglements of mafia life, opting instead to pursue a career in cybersecurity, working with the same casinos ran by the Vegas underground. After a workday-gone-wrong for Mia, the two are thrust back into each others' circles, and wouldn't be able to keep their hands off, if it weren't for one pertinent fact: their families hate each other, and hold one another responsible for the feud that killed Nico's father over a decade ago. But with tensions rising within the hierarchy of the Vegas families, and pressure mounting on Nico to prove his name, there's no chance that Mia won't be drawn into the crosshairs... but is Nico willing to give it all up to keep her safe?  

Quote:

"'Cristo santo! I told Vito to hire the best cyber-security firm in the city, and he hired you?'

Mia folded her arms across her chest. 'What do you mean by that?'

Nico made a dismissive gesture with his hand, trying not to focus on any one part of her beautiful body. 'First of all, you're a Cordano. Second, you're a woman.'" 

I feel absolutely zero remorse in DNFing this one so quick out of the gate, based on two significant principles: not only is this book just soooo not my vibe, but it's also technically not even a Paranormal Romance! 

I think the reason for the miss-shelf is pretty forgivable, as I feel like shadowy headless torsos covered in Photoshopped tattoos are pretty standard fare for cover material in the genre. However, there's no mistaking that a problem happened along the line of this one, as there is zero vampire/ ghost/ psychic/ werewolf/ etc content in it at all. It's a Mafia Romance. And to be clear, that's really not the only thing I saw wrong with the content.

Within the first 40 pages alone, there are numerous threats of violence - both regular and sexual - committed against women, gun violence, assault and battery, as well as more of both kinds threatened to be committed against a child. There is drug use, and patriarchal bullshit, and lots of mafioso talk in the most unconvincing of manners. It's dark and iffy in a way that I get is like catnip for Dark Romance readers, but that is just completely not up my alley at all. 

So, it's a no from me! 

#11. The Portal, Sharon Pape

One and a half stars for readable-but-racist. (I read it and finished it. Deeply racially stereotyped, but not deeply outwardly vicious, which is more than I can say for other books in this box.) 

Summary: Published in 1994, this novel follows the adventures of a young researcher while working with an archeologist dig in Four Corners. However, it's not long before the hours in the hot sun start to take their toll, as she finds herself having longer and more complex dreams about a mysterious Native American figure, following her around the dig site. As reality and dreams blend together, she becomes more and more sure that her "shadow man" is real, and following her as she works... but she can't understand how. What does this mysterious Zakoura Kree want with her? Why is she so incapable of resisting his enigmatic pull? And why are the other people on the reservation so unwilling to tell her who he really is? 

Quote:

"The wind that rumbled through the canyon sounded angrier than usual; in the distance a coyote howled in counterpoint. No other noise intruded on the stillness of the cave. Even so, she was certain that the Indian* was back. She felt his presence." 

*Note: this is from the first paragraph of the book. I'm not joking when I say that it hits the ground running with the outdated nomenclature.

Coming hot off the heels of DNFing my previous two Paranormal Romance box picks - disheartened and rapidly losing steam in continuing on in this challenge, honestly - I really wanted to make sure I didn't just skim over my next read. So was it the best idea to pick up one of the examples that, from even the back cover material, I could already tell was going to be a bit of a racist dumpster fire? Well, as it turns out, yes. 

It was a stereotyping, hodge-podge scrapbook attempt at cobbling together a bare minimum of compelling details about archeology, Native American history, and the sheerest veneer of romance. It frequently used language that is now considered offensive terminology within the Native American community, it took no pains to meaningfully develop any of the background characters beyond cardboard cutouts and preserved no sense of humanity beyond rote characteristics, and its plot hinged on a tired destined-soulmate premise that robbed the narrative of any deeper meaning and nuance. 

But like driving past a car accident, I just couldn't look away. Both the questionable Native American shaman hero and fresh-out-of-her-doctorate-program heroine were deeply unlikeable from just a lack-of-personality sense, and routinely made what can only be summarized as a relentless and interminable volley of bad decisions, and yet it somehow found not just enough even ground to pass as what could not only be described as a "romantic story," but also as more compelling than a book about King Arthur the vampire mage and the werewolf race created to stop him. 

The ending/ solution was bizarrely contrived, and never fully explained. Motivations for multiple characters were simply left up to general interpretation, rather than have personal connections noticeably develop at all. Almost all believability the reader had to buy into in order to allow the story to progress, relied on threadbare and severely stereotyped characters and antiquated views of Native American life and culture. Without the "stoic native" trope, this book would not exist, as that made up the personality for not just one, but several of its main characters. 

And here's what also just drove me batty: they ruminated for hundreds of pages - HUNDREDS of pages - about whether it was possible for someone to exist on one plane, and then be transported to another. How can he possibly move so fast, seem as if he exists in multiple places at once, vanish without a trace, and then invade her dreams with images of a place that she's never seen before? 

The title of the book is The Portal. It's a freaking portal. And yet, they do not come to grips with this idea until about 75 to 80% of the way through the novel. 

One of the things I've been learning throughout this project, is how confident I am in my ability to one day sell a Paranormal Romance. And I wouldn't have to rely on stereotyping an entire persecuted community to do it. 

So, that's where I'm at with the Big Box right now! I'm midway through #12 at the moment - Minion (Vampire Huntress Legend #1), by L. A. Banks - but I wasn't lying about what I said earlier: I think I'm starting to lose a little bit of steam. Which is a massive bummer, because I only have to read eight more books after that to have finished the Box! 

If I close out Minion by the end of the month, these are the only books standing between me and the new year / end of the challenge: 

• All I Want for Christmas is a Vampire, Kerrelyn Sparks
• Hostage to Pleasure, Nalini Singh
• Darkest Lie, Gena Showalter
• The Empath, Bonnie Vanak
• The Phantom of the Bathtub, Eugenia Riley
• Servant: the Acceptance, L L Foster
• The Guardian, Sherrilyn Kenyon
• The Summoning, Heather Graham

Here's what I'm hopeful for: that the next few reads I explore will be less problematic and more crazy than what I've been reading so far, that October will make for a month of great Paranormal Romance vibes, and that AIWfCiaV is going to make for great by-the-tree material. I hope that I'll have more above-three-stars, and less DNFs. But more than anything, I hope I actually make the challenge. 

And who knows? With the starting line of NaNoWriMo pretty much a little over a month away, maybe I'll do the damn thing and get started on my own material. Come on... it's Paranormal Romance. 

And according to my TikTok-loving sibling, it's a "Bella Swan and Elena Gilbert sort of Fall" anyways. 

Do you think you'd read any of the books in this summer stack? What are your favorite topics within the Paranormal Romance genre? Let me know, in the comments below!

Big Box of Paranormal Romance, Part Two: Celtic Rockstars, Vampiric Chosen Ones, and Deeply Un-sexy Succubi

Remember the end of last month, when I was updating you on the progress through my big ol' box of Paranormal Romance novels, and my plans to try and read all twenty of them by the end of the year, and how I'd only managed to get through three of them by the tail end of March? Well, I finished my second batch! It bodes a little better for my chances of completing the challenge than the fact that it took me three months to finish the first three. 

At least until you realize that means I have to finish 14 more in only eight months, leaving an average of about two novels a month of strictly Paranormal Romance standing between me and 2022. 

Slight issue though: I did not exactly have as much fun on this go-around as in my last installment. You might remember that my previous post on the subject involved a one-star, a five-star, and a DNF. These novels... didn't exactly meet that standard. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still loving this bizarre quasi-research assignment I set for myself. It's been a blast, even if the books themselves haven't warranted a ton of literary merit (except for you, Dream Eyes by Jayne Ann Krentz, you're still perfect to me). It's just that for some reason, out of a highly varied box of strictly romance, I somehow managed to pick a threesome that contained disconcertingly problematic content. 

Read on to see what I mean. 

#4. Immortals: The Crossing, Joy Nash (2008) 

Two stars. 

Summary: Death magic-dealing witch Artemis is in a bind: the life of her son has been stolen by a high-ranking demon, and the only way to win it back is to make a deal with the devil... or at least another lesser demon with enough firepower to make it an even match. However, the price he's set - a bounty of fae magic, siphoned from faerie communities around Scotland - brings her directly into the line of fire of one Macnannan mac Lir; rockstar by day, Celtic demigod by night. Mac isn't too pleased that a witch has been stealing from the supernatural creatures of his domain, but he just can't seem to let the desperate Artemis go. Well, at least he wouldn't, if she'd quit evading his grasp. When the two take the journey to Hell together, will they be able to fight back against the forces of evil... or the bond that draws the two of them together? 

Quote:

His expression turned grave. "You've been in Hell too long, Artemis. Far too long. You could lose the -" He cut off. "You could lose your life essence. Completely. It's bleeding from your soul." 

It's never a good sign when you're reading a romance novel, and find yourself actively rooting for the heroine to get as far away from the hero as possible. 

What makes this even more complicated is when you recognize that she is supposed to be, at least in some fashion, an antagonistic force. After all, she's a witch with demon ancestry, who casts death magic, whose needs have required siphoning power from nearly thirty fae communities, nearly resulting in the death of a fae child. She's bargained with a demon for the life of her son, and desperately needs to get to Hell. But even beyond all this, you can't help but root for her, especially when juxtaposed against the entitled, condescending, egregiously sexist "hero." 

He's a Celtic demigod, who eschews the perfect life offered by living in the realm of his ancestors, in favor of spending his days on Earth, getting drunk, getting laid, and chasing off his legions of dedicated fans. He is arrogant and obnoxious, overpowered and underpowered depending on the needs of the plot, and against all odds, is nearly unyieldingly horny. He also has zero sense of personal boundaries, which makes that last quality very, very difficult to deal with throughout the narrative. 

But it's not just his characterization that provides for some of the most jaw-droppingly questionable content in the novel. There is a huge trope underlying the messy, chaotic plot that specifically had to do with a direct result of his action... or more like inaction: Non-Consensual Pregnancy. As in, not telling the heroine you got her pregnant, actively deciding against informing her about the pregnancy, getting angry with her when she is eventually informed, forcing her into a situation where she has to choose between the life of her actual six-year-old kid and your magical "seed," regularly referring to the pregnancy during interior monologues as "his child".... I don't know if in the year of our Lord 2021, I have to tell you how jaw-droppingly revolting all of that is. It's gross, and honestly, kind of scary.  

(None of that even mentions the part of the book where - under magical influence - the hero attempts to sexually assault her. After the fact, she then tells him it's okay, she knows he would never force himself like that of his own volition... and this all happens at a time she does not yet know she's pregnant with his future kid. Because he has refused to tell her.) 

Any bonus points that may have been awarded for the funny bits - the fact that the entrance to Hell is in the lobby of a two-star accommodation named the Hotel California; the Gimli x Legolas reference in one of the demon realms; the fact that "life essence" can be regained throughout the trials of the journey by hooking up, like if you could have sex to raise HP between the boss levels of a video game - were blown to bits when stacked up against the problematic content. The second half of the novel, the part that takes place in Hell, was my favorite part, because of the inventive and cool ways the circles of Hell served as a contemporary reimagining of those described in Dante's Inferno. The bummer was also that the entire time, numerous references were made on the part of Mac as to how Artemis was putting herself and HIS child in harm's way, without ever being informed that she was carrying it. 

As a closing note: truly, never before have I read the word "whore" as I did so many times as I did in this book. Good gravy. 

#5. Touch the Dark (Cassie Palmer #1), Karen Chance (2006)

One star. 

Summary: Cassie Palmer is having a very bad day: after an obituary with her face on it - and a time of death set for later that night - appears on her desk at work, she knows it's time to leave town. Again. She's been on the run from a vampire mafioso for years, the same one who murdered her parents, kept her as a psychic pet, and whose confidence she betrayed when she turned him over to the FBI. But it seems that even Witness Protection can't keep her out of his hands forever. After seeking help from the Vampire Senate, Cassie realizes that she has a much larger part to play in the immortal community than just predicting winning lottery numbers: she might be the inheritor of one of the most powerful magical gifts known to immortalkind. Now if everyone would just stop trying to kill her for it, she might be able to think the whole thing over. 

Quote:

"Which leaves us with the truth." Louis-Cesar gave a sigh that sounded like relief. "And that means..."

Mircea finished for him. "That they changed history." 

Not to keep talking about tropes or anything, but one of the funny things to come out of reading so many Paranormal Romances in a row, is not only a growing awareness of what kinds are popular, but also, my own willingness - as a reader - to accept those tropes into my reading life. 

For instance, Psychic with a Gun Fetish and References to the Nine Circle of Hell (Casino Element) came back to the foreground in this one, after their integration in some of the other previous novels I've read so far in the box. So did Slightly Problematic Inclusion of Historical Figures as Prominent Vampires (Especially Kit Marlowe, for some reason). Those three were, on the whole, kind of net positives, in my view. On the other hand, I'm starting to get pretty sick of Chosen One stories... and don't even get me on Extreme Age Differences (Centuries-Old Vampire Falls for Regular 20-Something). 

This book tried to be sexy, but fell flat, especially when you consider how problematic that last one is. Especially because, for centuries-old vampires, most of those included in the novel came off as quite naïve and bizarrely poorly informed, as well as overtly sexist. The Chosen One heroine was, as she was told, in possession of unheard-of levels of power, but given absolutely zero guidance beyond personal experience on how to wield it, and constantly kept in the dark of any real, valuable intel, so as to make her dependent on the stupidity of the male vampire characters around her. The inclusion of random folklore- and mythology-adjacent creatures - like satyrs, pixies, and the like - were thrown in almost randomly, and with the sheerest veneer of explanation at their inclusion, or even why the heroine would have known about them at all. 

But besides the high-key, distinctly problematic stuff - dubious lines of consent, sexual assault as corporal punishment, and uses of a virgin/not-virgin designation to, essentially, terrorize and delegitimize the heroine - there was also just a serious lack of narrative build that didn't rely on the heroine's relative powerlessness. 

It's not that she was stupid, it's that she was constantly being manipulated by people with more information than her, so that her development as a character relied on SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Pages and pages of it, entire segments at a time. As one negative Goodreads review put it, it felt like almost half the book took place in conversations that happened in one room. Nothing was worth commentary unless described in excruciating detail, for multiple pages. 

Even the dumb, fun, world-building stuff was overburdened by the enormity of the scope, and the bizarre fixations of the characters who inhabited it. And that's all without even mentioning the goddamn time-travel element.

When I first pulled this from the box, I was so stoked to have found the first installment in a series, as most of the others were continued on from previous novels. If anything, this book's status as a first - in a series that now has wandered into its twelfth installment (not counting its FIFTEEN associated novellas) - was one of its biggest detractions. Well, that and all the gross stuff. And the Time Travel. 

#6. My Fair Succubi (The Succubus Diaries #3), Jill Myles (2010) 

DNF! 

Summary: Jackie, a Succubus, finally feels like she has it all worked out. With her best friend safely back in New Orleans, a promising new archeological dig site to call her own, and fallen angel Noah at her side, it feels like everything's finally slotted into place. Well, for a minute. After an awkward proposal and an arrest by a fleet of angelic forces, Jackie finds out she's been placed on trial, accused of a crime she's not guilty of, but is sure to be sentenced for anyways. The only way to get herself and Noah free, is to make a deal with the Archangel Gabriel: she must collect two rogue halos causing destruction on Earth, and return their power to the heavenly host. Piece of cake, right? But when her best friend gets possessed by one of the demons from Jackie's past, she knows she's in over her head, so she turns to her past vampire master, Zane, for a little bit of guidance. What Noah doesn't know won't hurt him... right? 

Quote:

"Consider yourself out of the know, Mr. Gideon. And don't worry, I used my Suck powers to draw him off and convinced him to visit town."

Noah gave a little shake of his head. "Jackie, we've had this conversation before. You need to be careful around the men at camp." 

The reasons I absolutely hated this book, can be explained thusly:

    1. Horny beyond all reason.

    2. Absurdly two-dimensional characters

    3. Really insane use of religious and mythological characters, including angels. Especially angels. 

    4. Plotting that made absolutely zero sense

    5. An endless parade of creepy, patronizing, macho male characters and a female main character tasked with dealing with them

Throw in a scene of attempted sexual assault and a comically injudicious trial, and you've got an all-around disaster on your hands. One that I decided to DNF at the 20.5% mark, which meant I had only made it about 70 pages in.  

The main character was actually okay; it was just that, as a Succubus, she suffered a bit from the frustrating "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way" Jessica-Rabbit-style lack of respect, specifically due to sex appeal being her defining trait. Everyone was constantly trying to jump this girl, through no real intention of her own, and she was just expected to cope with it being a byproduct of her nature. Moreover, one of her love interests - a fallen angel named Noah - was very unable to not get jealous over it, and deliberately slut-shamed her multiple times in the scant 70 pages I knew him. 

I never even got to meet the second point in the love triangle - a vampire named Zane - because of how early I decided to bail. He never even factored into the equation, other than to serve as a point of weird angst for Noah. 

I hated how bizarrely patriarchal, unequal, unfair, and misogynistic the angels were. I hated how the mythology in the narrative made absolutely no sense, in the relationships between Succubi, vampires, angels, and more. I hated that the plot seemed determined to punish the main character for some reason that was never explained, constantly throwing her in the way of ever-present, specifically-male threats. I hated that out of the 70 pages I read, at least nine of them had to be sex scene-related. 

All in all, I hated it. So I stopped reading. And I don't recommend you read it either. 

PS. The previous two installments in this series were titled Gentlemen Prefer Succubi and Succubi Like it Hot. Don't ask me why they switched from Marilyn to Audrey for the third title. The trend does not continue on in the series. 

And with that, I'm done with another set of Paranormal Romance! I decided somewhere along the way to rank them all, and now that I've finished six of them, I feel like the running is starting to become more of a real competition. Here's where things stand now: 

1. Dream Eyes, Jayne Ann Krentz (5 stars)

2. Immortals: the Crossing, Joy Nash (2 stars)

3. Midnight Lover, Rosemary Laurey (1 star)

4. Touch the Dark, Karen Chance (1 star)

5. How to Lose an Extraterrestrial in 10 Days, Susan Grant (DNF)

6. My Fair Succubi, Jill Myles (DNF)

Thanks to a very patient and supportive little brother - aka, the person who also got me into this mess - I already have the next three books in the series lined up to read. But there's been another little wrinkle: I'm starting to get a hankering for Romance novels that aren't distinctly Paranormal. 

Luckily, this has been staved off for a decent length of time, thanks to the relative variety in the content of the Box. It's not like I'm slogging through one vampire romance after another; there's a wide-scope range in subject matter, sense of humor, action and pacing, and even writing style to keep me in relatively good spirits. It's just that I haven't read a Historical in so long, and even the many Contemporary titles on my Kindle beckon to me when I'm scrolling through my lengthy TBRs. I haven't read a non-Paranormal romance novel since January! 

But with this latest installment - and only two titles a month through December - I'm starting to feel like I really have a shot at killing the Box before the new year. You'll just have to wait and see what I read next!

So, I've made it through six books, two of which have been 1 stars, and two, DNFs. Dare I hope for another 2+ star romance read from the Box? Would you be willing to read any of the books I've reviewed thus far? Let me know, in the comments below!

Big Box of Paranormal Romance, Part One: Racist Vampires, Alien Drama, and Psychic Crystal House Explosions

If you are someone who reads my blogs regularly - as in, hello to my Dad and little brother and assorted other friends - you might recall, towards the end of last year, that I received a very unconventional Christmas present: a box of 20 random, backlist Paranormal Romance novels, purchased wholesale for about $25 on eBay.

If you're someone who follows me on my Instagram account, you might recognize the beginnings of this project, as I gleefully shared excerpts from the first few chapters of the first novel in my Stories. Within only a couple of hours, I had received about eight messages from various people, discussing the material and the zaniness found within. 

And within two days of publishing reviews of each of these recent reads to my Goodreads account, I'd been blessed with three additional texts from people, asking what the hell is going on. 

So, basically, here's the gist: I've got the romance novels, I've got the will, and as of right now, I've got nine more months to put a bow on 17 more of these 20 reads. They may not all be good, but I'm certainly been having a good time.

Well, mostly. 

Wanna know what I mean? Here are the first three books I've read from the box. I hope you enjoy reading the reviews as much as I did reading the novels... and in some cases, maybe even more. 

#1. Midnight Lover (Forever Vampires #5), Rosemary Laurey (2007)

One star. No, I'm not kidding. And you'll see why. 

Summary: After the events of previous novels, Toby Wise, vampire, is installed as head of a company now facing FBI scrutiny after the suspicious paralyzing injury dealt to its founder, and its vanished previous CEO. However, that's not all he has on his hands: the small Oregon town in which he is now stationed by his vampiric boss seems to be under attack by some kind of invading clan. Add on a witch being persecuted by the nearby police force, and a young nurse he can't keep his teeth out of, and there's already a lot going on in this fifth installment of the Forever Vampires series. And that's even without mentioning the chupacabras.

Quote: 

He wished him luck. He wished himself luck. A witch as a houseguest, a rogue vampire in the vicinity, the FBI, falling in love - life in Oregon was nothing if not interesting.

What I enjoyed: 

- terrible names (Toby Wise, Laura Fox)

- the existence of both Kit Marlowe and Vlad the Impaler within the actual cast of the book's characters

- the chupacabra subplot

- the use of "Nice!" as an exclamation during a love-making scene

- the FBI systematically ripping the main character's home apart for no reason, including accidentally hauling a vampire away while inside of his coffin, who then later bursts out of the side of the FBI van he's being hauled away in completely naked

- Non-ironic internal monologues including the phrases "Wowee!" and "Yikes!" 

- a French vampire who everyone hates for seemingly no reason, aside from the fact that he is French, who ends up hooking up with a 60-year-old woman by the end of the book

- that a female character, who was a main in a previous installment of the series, is a "ghoul," essentially just a human with vampire powers who lives off of raw meat, including spending a scene where she carries dialogue just absolutely housing plastic trays of raw chicken

Things I did not enjoy AT ALL, which are also the reason I cannot in good conscience recommend this book to anyone else to read:

- weirdly-placed casual homophobia

- blurry lines of consent

- racially-charged characterizations of antagonist vampires as specifically from Central America, including the fact that they utilize chupacabra familiars and use their paranormal gifts to install drug cartels in small towns as a means of gaining money and power

- out of the three Black characters, one ends up being the only sympathetic death in the book

- out of the three Black characters, one - the only woman of the three - ends up being introduced in uncomfortably sexually-focused terms, despite the fact that she is literally an FBI officer

- out of the three Black characters, the two male vampires come from inherently racist origins in ways that are spoken about with entirely too much nonchalance (ie, one came from a bad foster care system in their youth, and the other was born a slave in South Carolina, who talks about being whipped as a human, and how his relationship with a white female character would have been grounds for lynching in another time)

- the literal use of the n-word from one Black character against another, deliberately tagged in the dialogue as meant to be an insult (page 96)

- that the author was writing all of this as a British grandmother in 2007 and thought it was all cool and fine and normal

- the fact that almost none of this is mentioned in any of the Goodreads reviews on the site!! 

Dream Eyes (Dark Legacy #2), Jayne Ann Krentz (2013)

No joke, literally five stars. Five stars of brain candy fun.

Summary: Gwen Frazier never thought she'd come back to the small Oregon town of Wilby, after a research project on psychics - led by her mentor, Evelyn Ballinger - resulted in the deaths of three people... one of whom was a killer, stalking the other project participants. However, after Evelyn ends up dead under suspicious circumstances two years later, Gwen is convinced that some horrible force is at work again. Calling in a favor from a friend, she's joined by psychic investigator Judson Coppersmith, who vows to help her discover what her mentor's work was hiding... despite his aversion to her own gifts. Soon enough, they're locked in a battle with someone just as powerful as they are, but whose intentions are far less noble, one that could bring about only more misery if left unchecked. 

 Quote: 

'How did you survive?'

'The old-fashioned way. I had a gun. I used it.' 

After my first entry into reading from my big box of backlist Paranormal Romance titles, I was seriously nervous about getting through the rest. Would they all be so problematic? Should I expect nothing but a barrage of issues with consent, racism, etc, in front of me?

Thankfully, my second foray had absolutely none of that. What it did retain, however, was all of the batshit crazy material I'd been hoping for when I first opened up the box. 

This novel follows a couple of psychics, facing off against a serial killer who's been bumping off psychics. The hero's name is JUDSON. There are at least nine pages of content explaining the rules and regulations of psychic powers and the limits and mechanics of those abilities, for every page of actual romantic material. There are magical crystals that can be harnessed and utilized to inflict psychic damage, and at one point, a house full of windchimes spontaneously combusts because of the amount of psychic energy being generated therein. 

And it was utterly, completely delightful. There was decent representation in the inclusion of an awesome LGBT character, it was secretly funny in the kind of way that had me dog-earing pages just so I could come back to the banter later, and it was actually written with pretty good plot progression, to the point where I questioned if the author had ever written for television... or at least a Nancy Drew video game. 

But if they were / are, this installment clearly saw them working without an editor, because a lot of the plot, especially character backgrounds, felt a little like flinging spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks (in only the most joyous of ways). From a serial killer sourcing his prey through online chatrooms, to a shady pharmaceutical company testing highly addictive substances on psychics, to a cult leader manipulating people with drugs, and a miner whose DNA was altered by the ultraviolet radiation in a crystal mine explosion, this book really did feel like it had it all. And that's not even mentioning the character who got sent to an evil boarding school after the death of her parents led to her ability to see ghosts reflected in mirrors. 

Truly, my favorite part about the whole book, was coming to the realization that I have a new favorite trope: characters who are gifted with paranormal abilities, but who continually opt to reach for a firearm instead. That, everyone, would be Judson. But not only does this man love to use his handgun, which he keeps strapped to his ankle... Judson is also described in one intimate scene as removing his khakis, which means that this man wears khakis with a wide-enough bottom hem so that he can access his piece when he needs it. Which is always. 

He likes the heroine of the novel pretty well enough, too. 

How to Lose an Extraterrestrial in 10 Days (Otherworldly Men #3), Susan Grant (2007)

DNF!

Summary: Evie is an overworked, underappreciated, single mom, currently dealing with an obnoxious ex, a chaotic home life, and, oh yeah, the post-traumatic stress of being stalked through her own home by a cyborg killer on the hunt for her future brother-in-law. When aforementioned cyborg Reef - now rehabilitated - is dropped on her front porch, in an effort to hide him from government forces seeking to exploit his technology, she sees an opportunity to break out from the mold of her politically minded family, and use his help in managing her fledgling chocolate strawberry business. Will Evie and Reef's past keep them apart, or lead them to a love that's out of this world? 

Quote:

'But he's... an extraterrestrial.' The word squeezed past Pierce's straight, perfectly white clenched teeth like dough through a cookie press. Except if his voice were to be made into cookies, they'd be inedible, bitter and burned.  

Wow, I can't believe that I finally ran into my first DNF! In actuality, this book was so difficult to read, that my avoidance of even working my way another chapter into the book sent me into a slump for two weeks. Even the heinously racist vampire book didn't manage that! 

What ended up being the death knell for this book for me, wasn't just the fact that the writing was pretty bizarre, but that it also handled a lot of heavy topics that I couldn't really rely on the author to deal with appropriately. Seriously difficult subject matter that kept being thrown at the reader - torture, inoperable kill switches, government intervention, mob involvement, direct violence enacted against characters, etc. - was constantly getting entangled with somewhat breathlessly stupid characterizations and dialogue. 

Most notably, our main character is one kid in a long line of a political dynasty, the only one who doesn't seem to have much of a elite streak. She's an unhappy housewife - the mother of two kids she shares with a cold and unfeeling adulturer ex-husband - who is also constantly beleaguered by requests from her oblivious, well-respected family members, who rely on her to take care of the dirty work of their lives, but also seem hell-bent on undercutting her sense of self-worth at every opportunity. Her attempt to prove them wrong? By starting a CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRY business that caters to large events. But that's not all: she decides to really tell her family off by donating the proceeds to charity, directing what pittance she earns towards funding organizations that end child trafficking. She justifies this with the acknowledgement that had Earth been invaded (as was attempted in a previous installment), the entire human race might have been sold into slavery on other planets. And that's why chocolate-covered strawberries are so important to her! 

It's as if there's absolutely no balance the serious, dark implications of subject matter, and the neon pink goofiness of the actual writing. The extremes are far to much to trade off between. 

The part where I closed the book for good was actually when it became clear that the heroine's relationship with her d-bag ex-husband was going to end in trouble... like, in a "he's actually building a really effective case for renegotiating child support against you and removing your legal right to see your kids" kind of way. In a mild panic, I flipped to the second-to-last page to see if it managed to get resolved all right by the end, only to see it flippantly abandoned with only the sheerest veneer of quasi-resolution (aka, she is handed a court warrant, which she then tears up in front of him, and tells him 'Bite me.' Which I feel like wouldn't stand up in an actual court of law?)

In total, the book didn't seem to take itself seriously, so it became borderline painful for me to take it so seriously. I read Romance for an engaging distraction, not a parade of Sad and Bad Things that never end up being resolved before the HEA. Really just not my thing at all. 

Important note about the author, though: this book was originally sold as a mass-market paperback by Harlequin, in 2007. Since then, the author appears to have since purchased her own material back, repackaging and selling it under a new name - Cyborg and the Single Mom - as an ebook, through publisher Singing Tree Media, via Amazon. Due to the importance of ebook purchasing and availability in contemporary Romance readership, and its lucrative nature for authors, I wanted to make sure that at the very least, I shouted out Grant's business acumen. Woo, you go, Susan! Get that shmoney! It's the sort of thing I hope to see more traditionally-published Romance authors doing in the future. 

So, I'm three books in to a twenty book box, and it's already the end of March. Do I have any hope of completing my self-imposed reading deadline? Should I be DNFing books at all... or should I be DNFing MORE books? What should I read next? Let me know, in the comments below!